These words came to me via . This is a livejournal meme, but it’s writing, so I say it counts as a blog, too.
I feel like I am lucky to have partners in many ways. I have Jen, who has been a part of my life for over five years, and with whom I feel like I could get through anything (and this winter was definitely a challenge to that). But I hate the term “partner” for a romantic relationship, so even though I think of this – it’s not how I define what I have. I also think I’ve recently discovered an artistic partnership of sorts that is beneficial in many ways as well – Erica’s direction works so well with my stage management and I think it benefits both of us as artists and friends, as well as benefiting the shows and the kids.
Once upon a time I was a lighting designer. And then I started having panic attacks on ladders. I miss lights. I miss late night hanging and focusing. But that off-balance feeling – no thanks.
I mean, this is my life. But also, I think this is the key to doing what I do. It’s knowing that I will walk into a room full of talented, high energy kids who are so excited to be doing a show, to be together, to be who they are, and being able to harness that into something productive. And knowing that by doing what I do, I give them a structure in which their creativity can thrive…and they love me for it…it’s still a weird idea that they love me because I rein them in…but they do.
This is something that I sometimes feel like I have a lot of and sometimes feel like I have none of. When I was playing ultimate, I caught a frisbee like I was dancing – graceful. When I fell and sprained both feet – ungraceful. It’s a neverending question.
I am a stage manager. I never thought that was what I would be. But it is at the heart of who I am. I keep things moving and structured, and that’s how I like it. Cueing is an art, not a science.
i want to be on stage. like now. i watched chess in concert tonight. i love idina, but it made me want to play florence and blow her off the stage (okay, it’s idina, i know i can’t do that, but i desperately want to play florence). i cry at musicals a lot lately…and not because they’re brilliant (i mean, they are) but because i need to be up there…it hurts so much to watch and not be there…it’s like when i used to see soccer players in the fall once i stopped playing…only this i can start again because i can get it back.
when i started crying during the tonys it was because of the amazing power and art of next to normal after the amazing power and art of other things that were less emotionally investing.
when i kept crying it was because i miss it so much. i miss singing, being on stage, performing. i miss it so much i don’t think i can even acknowledge it on a day to day basis because i wouldn’t stop crying.
and i’m terrified to start again because i don’t want to not be good enough to even have a chance.